The world according to Steven Wright

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An e-mail with a number of the sayings of Steven Wright, Academy Award-winning American comedian, actor and writer, is doing the rounds at the moment. He sees things differently from most of us, to our amazement and amusement.

• Here are some of Steven’s gems:

• Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

• Half the people you know are below average.

• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

• 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, … but she left me before we met.

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

• Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

• Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

Hat tip: James Korman

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